Hahah… no, I’m not actually going to type my whole testimony on Tumblr. As much as I would like to, the details and events in it are way too much to type. But I do want to say that I’m beyond grateful that God is prevalent in my life. Through all the joy and struggles that have occurred for the 19.5 years I’ve lived so far, there are a few things I wish had not happened, but all in all, those are part of an entire story that God has used to shape me into the person I am now.
Just last year, I had no idea what to say when people asked me to tell them my testimony. Most of the reason for that was - I thought my life was so boring. Nothing special. Just a typical mundane life with no exciting stories or ridiculously difficult treks through hardship. To me, my own testimony seemed so uncaptivating to whoever I would plan to tell. But I must say that the past year has been one of the most rocky/eventful years of my life. And it definitely changed me and my perspective on things. I think God was trying to show me that I’m not here on Earth just for the heck of it and that He doesn’t want me to view life as ultimately meaningless in the span of eternity, but rather, He wants me to use my life’s story to impact others such that I can lead as many people I can to Him before we leave this Earth. He wants me to show others how prevalent He is in my life as well as everyone else’s. Though it took me a while to pinpoint the various things God has helped me through and the miracles He’s shown me, this past year was the year that opened my eyes to all of that. God isn’t a nobody. He’s the King, Creator, and God of all things from before the beginning of time and for the rest of eternity, and yet He somehow has an indescribable love for all these people He created in His own image. And though we might be physically tiny and helpless compared to Him, He still somehow cares enough to write a story for each and every person on Earth; and for those who choose to surrender their lives to Him through Jesus Christ, He not only gives is a free gift of eternal life, but also the opportunity to share what story He’s written for each of us, so that we might go out into the world to share it with those who have not yet heard or understood the big picture behind what a huge, loving, compassionate, powerful God we have in our lives, and what the Gospel is truly about. There’s so many people to reach, and even though my story is still a work in progress, this past year is already an indication God has given me that every bit of my life, whether big or small, contributes to an amazing story that God has written for me to share with others.
but I really wonder what it’s like to not be the outcast. Even in groups of friends… I often ponder and think how happy and valued I would feel if I wasn’t outcasted among people 95% of the time. I know I’m an introvert, but even among friends, I somehow manage to get left out. Is it my personality? Is it something wrong with me? Do my thoughts have no value? Am I even worth a bit of a cent to some people? I often wonder if those whom I consider friends feel the same way about me. Honestly, I don’t have a huge friend group, but I was hoping for a small one so that feeling of being ignored or rejection won’t come back to haunt me as often as it does now. Especially if I say something in a one-to-one conversation in person, at least have the courtesy to respond in some way instead of looking forward and staying silent. Or in a group setting, including everyone present in that immediate area so no one feels outcasted by the rest of the group. Is that too much to ask? Honestly, why do I even bother? I sometimes feel like only God is there for me while no one else is… and that feeling seems to get stronger each passing day.
Sigh. Maybe I really do complain too much. Enough venting for a night..
most people here in America don’t have to deal with what my family and I have to go through. I’m not some princess who lives a super easygoing life every day. It is, in fact, quite the opposite. And there’s a reason I don’t tell people about these things. But at the same time, the fact that I don’t tell anyone gives people a much greater tendency to take advantage of me. Sometimes I feel like no one is willing to compromise just because on the outside, everything in life is bright and dandy for me, so I and my family get to take full burden and let everybody else live in luxury. Why does life need to be so hard? Why is everything my fault? Why am I always perceived as the bad guy? Why am I always the one who has to consider other people and it’s never the other way around? Why is it always me that has to be the horse that toils so hard to pull the carriage, only to be abandoned in the cold when it’s too weak to carry on? I really don’t understand. Lord, help me.
The topic just popped into my mind today. Ever since I was a kid, I never really stopped seeking for love. Not the relationship type of love, but I just wanted friends who would love me for who I am and be loyal to our friendship. As someone who doesn’t trust people easily, I don’t think I actually found who I consider “true” friends until late high school and now in college. But at the same time, I often wonder whether some of the people I really consider as ‘friends’ even care about me or my well-being. I seriously wonder sometimes. If the person tells everyone that we’re really close, and yet makes really insensitive comments to me [when we’re talking one-on-one] which mostly involve my lack of ability or intelligence in this or that, is that person really worth my time and effort that I put into the friendship? Given that I trusted that person with various issues/secrets and that person turns around to spill all of that to one of their friends, should I even bother to trust the person anymore? When the person knows I need comfort in a given moment in time and tells me they don’t have time for me, does that person even care at all? What if the person acted like none of those actions were wrong; that doesn’t count as loyalty, does it?
I feel like friendships are super complicated sometimes. I guess the reason why I never trusted people easily was because I was so scared that these types of things would happen. And the fact that some of my friends betrayed my trust in them really breaks my heart. But on the brighter end of the spectrum, I really thank God every hour of the day for the friends that stay true and loyal to me. They are a huge blessing and encouragement to me as I walk in my journey through life; they always have my back and respect me as a human being and for some, as family. And most importantly, I have to admit that I often forget that God is always going to care for me and always has time for me no matter when or where. But remembering that gives me a huge comfort in difficult times; I don’t know where I’d be if God wasn’t a part of my life. He’s the reason I live, and I truly am grateful that He’s given me people to share my life with. Thank you so much, Father, for taking care of me. And I truly thank my friends who love on me every day and share life with me; you know who you are :)
the message was pretty powerful, as it always seems to be at Stone. That’s one of the things I love about this church. The sermons always challenge me and always keep me up on my toes. God really convicted me the most at two points in the sermon. The first was when Tyler David, the pastor, emphasized that actions that aren’t rooted in love are weightless. Deep down, I’ve known this all my life as I was taught that concept growing up, but I guess I never took the chance to really ponder and grasp it. So it hit me pretty hard today. I realized that, especially in groups, I often do things grudgingly just because I “have to”, and only care about how annoying the task is rather than think about it in a positive light, that I’m actually doing it so other people don’t have to deal with it as much later. As a Christian, I really should be doing everything with joy. Not that fake poopoo where I pretend to have no problem at all, but real joy. I feel like God and I will be much happier with me if I were to do that. So, resolution made. I start today :)
The second point where God really convicted me is that we pay too much attention in finding a teacher to make us better rather than finding a Savior to make us new. I definitely fall guilty to that statement. I must admit that I often think too much about how to change myself to please other people instead of asking God to mold me into the person He wants me to be. But after reflecting upon what Pastor Tyler said, it’s pretty clear to me now that I’ve been making things much harder than they’re supposed to be. Just pray and ask God to make me new and let Him take care of everything. I’m pretty sure I’ll be a lot happier with myself if I just take that approach and let God work, hahah. That resolution starts today too.
On another, completely unrelated note, THANKSGIVING BREAK AND DADDY’S BDAY IS COMING UP, I’M SO EXCITED :))) But yup. My thoughts for today have now been tumblred. I’m out ;)
With two weeks of worrying my butt off and an hour or so of dental surgery, MY WISDOM TEETH ARE GONE. :) Seriously, anyone can ask my parents how much I worried about dying from the anesthesia, getting my jaw broken, and other ridiculous shenanigans, and they will probably gladly tell how much I rambled on about such nonsense. Hahah :P
So the experience was quite interesting. I was freaking out about getting my wisdom teeth pulled even while we were waiting for the nurse to call me into the dental surgeon’s office.. and my mom just looked at me with that typical “Are you crazy?!” face. But the adventure of it all really began when the nurse comes in five minutes later and leads me to the surgical room.
It was my very first surgery. I know that other people have gotten much more serious surgeries with their limbs, appendix, etc., but I was scared to death. I lied down on the reclining chair thing, and the nurses hooked me up to a heart monitor, which was beeping like crazy because I was so nervous… lol. One of them actually was like, “what’s wrong with that monit- oh.” ANYWAY. Moving on. So the doctor comes in after a couple minutes and asks me if I’m ready for this. Of course I said yes. Definitely. OF COURSE. “Good,” he replied. He then asks the nurse to give him whatever cold spray so he could freeze that part of my arm and stick the IV needle in. I felt a little pinch but no more than that. I was expecting to get sleepy and peacefully doze off, but to my surprise and confusion, I was still wide awake and wondering when the anesthesia would kick in, if it had even started dripping into my system. I was still wide awake when the nurse stuck this thing in my mouth and said, “Here, this will keep your mouth open. Say ahhh!” and BOOM, I knocked out. Just like that.
Within the span of what I felt like was five minutes, I woke up to find myself in a dark room, shivering under three blankets placed on top of me, with my mom rubbing me all over to keep me warm. She kept asking me if I was okay, if I could hear her, and if my mouth hurt at all. I responded to every question with either a groan or silence, but in my head, my mind was going crazy as I kept wondering to myself how that went by so quickly. And that it was painless. The first time I had a couple teeth pulled was when I was about 7ish years old, and because my dentist usually worked on adults, he didn’t want to put too much anesthesia in me to kill me, but we found out within minutes into pulling my teeth that he didn’t put enough. So to actually get my WISDOM teeth pulled out with no pain whatsoever, was a huge yet pleasant surprise for me. :)
After about 30 minutes of lying in that recovery room, the nurse helped me onto a wheelchair and wheeled me outside to my mom’s car. And with that, the most exciting part of that adventure was over.
Boy, I have to say, that was one of the most interesting experiences I’ve had to this day, but I can say that all that worrying I stressed myself out with was not worth it. I should have trusted God for even such a simple matter as getting a few teeth pulled, while other people are out there in life-death situations, who still have even greater faith and trust than I do. Sometimes I feel like I’m such a noob when it comes to trusting God, but who knew that from getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I learned a big life lesson? :)
Hi. So my dad and I were talking about how so many doctors cheat patients of their money, turning healthcare into some business that they see as a sole moneymaker, while they could care less about actually healing patients. We’ve seen that happen three times in the past couple of months to the same person. I told my dad how messed up and stupid I thought this whole mentality is, and all he said to me was, “It’s a dark world we live in.”
For some odd reason, although I’ve heard this phrase used hundreds of times from other people, the words struck me hard. I felt like my heart just dropped, while, at the same time, an image of a ‘dark world’ briefly crossed my mind. I don’t even have the words to describe what it looked like. All I can say is that it really scared me, even now when I think about it. And I cannot begin to express how much more it scares me to know that sin has come so far ever since it has entered the world. More and more people succumb to it, and even the Bible mentions that it will only get worse until Jesus comes back.
But I guess there’s no use to fear. Because when Jesus does come back and all of the Biblical prophecies are fulfilled, God wins the battle.
And Satan and all associated with that horrific thing get thrown into the Lake of Fire. Forever. For eternity.
Boy, you have no idea how much I await that day. God, even though things might not seem bright now, knowing that You will reign in victory in the end is all that I need to keep living on. TEAM JESUS, LET’S GO.